Warning: A touch depressing

Saturday will be 4 years since dad has died. I am pretty sure that this has been the toughest "anniversary yet". Pregnancy and hormones probably have a lot to do with it. I have just gotten off the phone with the phone nurse describing to her my "panic attack" symptoms. You have heard people say that they find it "hard to breathe", well I can relate. I have felt this way many times before. I found it hard to breathe the day he died. I sometimes find it hard to breathe when missing him overwhelms me and I am finding it hard to breathe tonight. It is in these times that I am humbled and have to say to God, you are going to have to breathe for me, I just can't do it right now..................and he does. It is wierd, it is like all of the emotions build up and take over your body. I have rationed all week that he would not want to come back to this life....that no matter how much I wish he were here to see my children, he sees them and the joy that he is experiencing being with Jesus is greater than even grandchildren can provide. I also know that he will see them one day. I am however in a selfish mood and want him here tonight. I want to hold his soft hand, I want to lay beside him in the crack between the regular bed and his hospital bed the way I used to, I want to hear him tell me that I am probably gaining too much weight, I want him to wake me up 10 times during the night to ask me to change the channel, I want to tell him that I love him, I want to see him in full camoflauge attire because the weather has a little coolness in it, I want to hear him sing, I want to hear him laugh, I want to be embarrassed at how loud he yells at football games, I want to dance with him, I want to ask him how he suffered a terrible illness and never complained, I want to tell him that I miss him.........oh how I miss him..................I realize that this is a terribly depressing post but.................................I can breath now.